The Anniversary

The anniversary is coming up. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that. It's really strange to think that one year ago I was on the brink of death. It makes me reflect on the past year of my life, and about the day I found out that I had to leave home. It's so difficult to imagine myself being that far gone...that insane. It was at this time one year ago that my body was in the middle of the worst beating it will probably ever receive. The constant paranoia about whether I would get caught as I silently tossed food in the trash. The guilt I felt as I watched my parents suffer. The isolation I felt from all my friends and peers. Things are so different now....I guess that's one thing that I like to look at. I like to see how far I've come since those days. I can't remember the last time I threw out food. I can exercise now without the constant pain of being pushed beyond my limits. I have enough energy to focus in class and walk around campus. It's a wonderful feeling...to actually hear the weight of your body against a stair that creaks when before it remained silent. To know that you actually have a presence. I have more room in my head to think about other aspects of my life that don't revolve around food, body image, or deception. I hate to say it, but there are good things that came out of that whole ordeal. I learned a lot about myself and what's really important in life. I've learned to focus so much less on school and turned more attention to other aspects, such as having fun and getting to know the people around you. In no way am I thankful for what I went through, but I am thankful for the appreciation it gave me for the life I have. So I guess all I have to say is thanks. I mean it.

Today I don't feel as morbid, so I'm going to post some pictures that I found that make me marvel at nature's beauty.

I Sit

So here I sit
In this sea of voices that blend together like paint on canvas.
I catch bits,
but most of it slides by without my acknowledgment.
I feel lonely,
Unwanted,
Out of touch with this reality.
How can I find a place for myself,
A niche to fit into?
I'm not sure how, but I'll find it.
I'm used to this isolated feeling.
The coldness that seems to grip its razor sharp nails into my soul.
But I don't mean to be so morbid,
As if not a bit of warmth courses through my body.
There is a better side of me,
It's just not the side I choose to show in print.

A Window Into the Past

The full length of reflective glass stares back at me,
Seeing someone who has been absent for 12 months that I'll never get back.
But a window into the past opens up,
Transporting me to one year ago.
Sunken cheeks, sallow skin.
Milk chocolate eyes that are devoid of all emotion,
Except for fear and pain.
Spindly bones for arms,
So famished and weak.
Hips that jut out at unsightly angles,
Sharp and defined.
My legs are struggling,
Keeping the little weight that they must support from crashing to the floor.
But that's just the outside.
Look closer.
Go ahead, don't be scared.
Feel the pain that gnaws at the inside of the stomach,
gut wrenching emptiness that screams of insecurity.
Fatigue, so deep and true that my body is slumped.
Such horror haunts my entire frame.
With that thought I pull myself to the present.
I see full cheeks,
rosy with color that I used to take for granted.
My body has filled out in the right places,
no longer a box of sharp points and turns.
Now it's not such a pain to look closer.
I see freedom, someone no longer trapped.
I see pure joy and radiant light that was not a possibility before.
Contentment and energy course through my veins.
It is with this examination that I think to myself,
Never again.