The Veil (or Mask) Behind Which We Hide

After reading The Minister's Black Veil by Nathaniel Hawthorne, I was left in shock. The story caught me off guard at the end. I was sure that he would remove the veil on his death bed, but he still wouldn't yield. His last words really struck a cord with me.

"I look around me, and, lo! on every visage a Black Veil!"

Hawthorne is saying something very profound about the Puritans of New England. The Puritans were known for their very religious and moral ways of going about life. Hawthorne is saying that this was all a front, that their lives were not truly as religious and moral as they seemed. The minister realized this as a young man, and stuck with this realization throughout his life. No matter what it took, he would not removed the veil because no one in the community removed theirs. They would sacrifice anything not to remove it, yet they shunned him for not removing his veil. He made it literal instead of figurative.

So, this is a song that my dad used to sing to me as a little kid. I'm surprised I wasn't more scared of it at the time....

Travelling

"Travelling is a fool's paradise. Our first journeys discover to us the indifference of places. At home I dream that at Naples, at Rome, I can be intoxicated with beauty, and lose my sadness. I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the stern fact, the sad self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from. I seek the Vatican, and the palaces. I affect to be intoxicated with sights and suggestions, but I am not intoxicated. My giant goes with me wherever I go."

I feel this way a lot of the time. There are times when I feel like I can't escape from the things that tie me down. Of course, I'm mainly talking about my past. I feel like I can see it in some people's eyes when they look at me or talk to me. That discomfort and uneasiness. That's why I like meeting new people now; they know nothing of the shadow that consumer the last 2 years of my life. I also stick with the people who were with me through it all, since they seem to understand that a lot of that is behind me. This quote also reminds me of a song by Matchbox Twenty...

"And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I wont go away
Its me, yeah I cant get myself to go away"

Another way I relate to this is the speaker's ways of coping. He tries to run away from his troubles, which is what I tried to do at one point. However, I learned, just like the speaker does, that it doesn't work. You can only run for so long, and even then, the demons always catch up with you. I learned that I have to stop and face them instead of looking the other way or sprinting as fast as I can. Now that I've confronted them, I can wake up without those feelings of remorse.

Winter

The weather is finally getting colder. I love the winter so much. The briskness of the air makes it feel purer than any other time of year. I love the way it feels as it caresses the inside of throat, traveling its way down to my lungs where it gradually gets warmer, finally being released in a white cloud. I love the need of sweatshirts, warm boots, and jeans. It's a time to bury inside of my favorite jacket, basking in the radiating heat. At night, I sit by my scattered school papers, sipping hot cocoa with minute marshmallows floating in the sea of milky chocolate. The feeling of coming home from a hard day's work, opening the door, and having the heat wave nearly knock me off my feet. It's a time when I enjoy running the most, feeling the cold air sting against my face, arms, and legs as it rushes past. I love the winter with a passion that would melt a cavern of icicles.

The Anniversary

The anniversary is coming up. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that. It's really strange to think that one year ago I was on the brink of death. It makes me reflect on the past year of my life, and about the day I found out that I had to leave home. It's so difficult to imagine myself being that far gone...that insane. It was at this time one year ago that my body was in the middle of the worst beating it will probably ever receive. The constant paranoia about whether I would get caught as I silently tossed food in the trash. The guilt I felt as I watched my parents suffer. The isolation I felt from all my friends and peers. Things are so different now....I guess that's one thing that I like to look at. I like to see how far I've come since those days. I can't remember the last time I threw out food. I can exercise now without the constant pain of being pushed beyond my limits. I have enough energy to focus in class and walk around campus. It's a wonderful feeling...to actually hear the weight of your body against a stair that creaks when before it remained silent. To know that you actually have a presence. I have more room in my head to think about other aspects of my life that don't revolve around food, body image, or deception. I hate to say it, but there are good things that came out of that whole ordeal. I learned a lot about myself and what's really important in life. I've learned to focus so much less on school and turned more attention to other aspects, such as having fun and getting to know the people around you. In no way am I thankful for what I went through, but I am thankful for the appreciation it gave me for the life I have. So I guess all I have to say is thanks. I mean it.

Today I don't feel as morbid, so I'm going to post some pictures that I found that make me marvel at nature's beauty.

I Sit

So here I sit
In this sea of voices that blend together like paint on canvas.
I catch bits,
but most of it slides by without my acknowledgment.
I feel lonely,
Unwanted,
Out of touch with this reality.
How can I find a place for myself,
A niche to fit into?
I'm not sure how, but I'll find it.
I'm used to this isolated feeling.
The coldness that seems to grip its razor sharp nails into my soul.
But I don't mean to be so morbid,
As if not a bit of warmth courses through my body.
There is a better side of me,
It's just not the side I choose to show in print.